let’s try this again
After a few weeks of ignoring my newly created tumblr and telling myself I need to write, I’m back to try it all over again. I recently started reading “The Freedom Writers” and remembered why I wanted to start a blog in the first place. I just need to get my thoughts out. I need a place where I can give my opinion and say my piece without having to defend myself afterwards. Further, this blog is a place to remember what happened today so that tomorrow, I can look back and see how the world has changed, how I have changed, and how far we’ve come. Lately, I’ve been thinking about 311 Day. It will be my second time going and I’m very excited. Upon further reflection, I think I am more excited because I have been using it as a distraction from my daily life and the pain I still feel deep inside. The good thing is, it is working as a distraction. The bad thing, I feel guilty. I feel guilty for not showing the same outwards pain as the rest of my family. I feel guilty for not talking about it out loud. And mostly, I feel guilty because I don’t let myself think of my dad because it’s just too hard sometimes. I still feel like I’m living a dream. I feel like I’m being insensitive to others who might be going through some problems because “I know what struggle and pain feel like”. I don’t mean to be this way but when am I allowed to be selfish for once. So it comes back to 311 Day - I do feel a little guilty about going and leaving everyone else behind. But I need this day. To get away, to not think for awhile and to just have fun. I want to enjoy being with others, maybe make a few friends, and not feel so isolated. Even at work, I am in the back and isolated from everyone else. I don’t feel incapable of making friends or getting along with others, I just don’t feel I have the same opportunity to. Ugh, I don’t even want to think about my work situation and how I am still “in limbo”. I am working float right now, so I still am not guaranteed a full time job unless they hire me. I haven’t heard anything yet but they have hinted that they want me to stay. That isn’t good enough, however, because it is still up in the air until it is made official. But for now, all I can do is wait…
